For some people this is the world's easiest question -- they've always been able to see themselves as
parents, they have their life set up the way they want it, and they're ready to go. Others go back and forth on this one
for years, or feel the need to do a little serious wobbling before taking the plunge. Some just never get the call. Wherever
you are on the spectrum, even if you know you want to do it, you can make a conscious decision about whether to become a parent.
If you're having trouble deciding whether you want to have a child, or are just wondering whether you're ready
to take on this lifelong project, we hope this section will help you get closer to a decision. One thing's for sure: No
one has to have children. The world's not short on people to populate it, and whether to become a parent is completely
up to you and whatever hopes and dreams you have for your life.
And it's a big decision, not to be taken lightly.
Being a parent is really fun, and satisfying in a way you can't fully imagine when you don't have children. And it's
really hard work -- more work than you can imagine until you've done it. It's hard because of the sheer volume of
demands on your time and energy, with few breaks to refresh and recharge; it's hard because parents almost never have
enough time, money, emotional support, training, or preparation to do the job they want to do; it's hard because it puts
your own emotional issues squarely in your face as your children inevitably push every button you have; and it's hard
because the mistakes you make -- and you'll make some, for sure -- affect the ones you love the most: your children.
Having a child is a major life change, and because women everywhere bear the major responsibility for raising children,
it's a change that in general affects women's lives more than men's. It means adding the way society treats parents
(not well) on top of the way society treats women (ditto). Parenting -- the vitally important job of raising the next generation
-- is treated economically almost like a hobby. Women already don't get enough pay, support, or recognition for their
contributions to society, and becoming a parent kind of squares that. Men as a whole are more involved as parents today than
ever before, but the day-to-day housework, meal-making, emotional counseling, childcare, purchasing, and household details
and logistics still tend to fall -- unpaid -- to the woman of the house.
That's not to say it's an easy
decision for men. Both men and women face unhappy tradeoffs between work and parenthood in modern society, with women usually
having to choose parenting to the detriment of work, and men usually having to choose work to the detriment of parenting.
Men's patterns of workaholism, reinforced by most workplaces today, are fueled by a new sense of responsibility for the
family. Long hours of work increase the sense of emotional isolation that most men deal with anyway, and many feel frustrated
at not being able to be the kind of father they wish they could be.
With all the romanticized images of children and parenthood
floating around, hardly anyone gets a realistic idea of what it's like to be a parent before they actually become one.
If you never had to carry a 5-pound sack of flour around for a week in junior high, psychologist Harriet Lerner's book
The Mother Dance: How Children Change You can serve as an on-paper preview, or you can always get a real-life glimpse by caring
for a friend's or relative's baby overnight. Or try assuming you've made the decision to have a child and then
spend a week thinking about how that makes you feel and all the ways your life would change; then assume you've decided
not to have one and live with that for a week.
Parenthood isn't for everyone. Maybe you've never wanted
children; maybe you have other ambitions for yourself that caring for children would make impossible. "We are this wonderfully
creative species," says Mindy Toomay, a fiction and cooking writer and teacher who at 47 is entirely comfortable with
her decision not to have children. "But so many people never explore their creative or spiritual potential because family
demands get in the way. For me it felt like it would be an impediment -- it has been for a lot of people I know, particularly
women."
Then again, some people are surprised by how much they like being a parent. "I did catering
during high school so I wouldn't have to babysit," says Sally Webb, now the mother of two small boys. "But I
found I really love being a mom."
Most people, especially women, are brought up to expect that they'll
be parents. From baby dolls to baby showers, girls and women are surrounded by images and expectations from parents, peers,
religion, advertising, and the media. But the decision to be a parent is not up to your mother, your father, your friends,
your church, or even any expectations you might have grown up with. It's your life, and it's up to you.
The following series of questions is designed for you to discuss with your partner or a friend, mull over on
your own, write about in your journal, take to your therapist -- whatever helps you take a good look at them.
The questions
are meant to be answered by both men and women.
We suggest you start by asking What do you want for you? This is
regardless of your current situation, regardless of what you might have to go through to get what you want, such as finding
a partner if you want one. If you think you might want a child, don't even ask yourself at this point how that will come
about -- whether biologically, through adoption, or whatever. Just concentrate on your personal wishes and desires.
• Do you currently spend time with children? Do you enjoy it?
(Whether you answer yes or
no doesn't predict how you'll feel about your own children, but giving some thought to the issue can highlight some
of your assumptions and attitudes about life with children.)
• What did you enjoy about being a child?
What didn't you enjoy?
(If you're having trouble deciding whether you want children, it may have something to
do with unresolved issues from your own childhood.)
• What did you appreciate about
the parenting you received? What didn't go well?
(Our own parents teach us many lessons - both positive and negative.
Think about what you'd like to emulate from your own childhood and what you'd like to change.)
•
What messages did you get about what a parent is supposed to be?
(This is another question that can help you
examine your expectations of parenthood and weed out underlying assumptions that may not be useful.)
•
What are your thoughts about disciplining children?
(This is an area where partners often disagree. Talking
about these issues now won't prevent future problems, but it will give you a chance to talk about setting limits and how
you might go about doing so.)
• What are your thoughts on the responsibilities and
commitment of parenthood?
(This question is just a way to help you reflect on the demands of parenting and whether you're
comfortable with them.)
• How do you feel as you answer these questions?
